Wandering + wondering.
A once and for all permission slip to not have all the answers.
If you have been wondering lately hmm what might it be like to live in Trinity’s brain? you are going to be so blessed by the following story.
Facebook marketplace has become my new social media/shopping addiction. It’s dangerous, really. It takes two heavy quick dopamine suppliers (scrolling and shopping) and mashes them together and puts a very low price on items I had no idea I wanted until they showed up on my screen. It’s either a divine gift or an attack from the enemy on my addictive tendencies. I’m not sure yet.
I found a bookshelf recently. It was listed for twenty-five dollars and was covered in the kind of peel and stick floral wall paper I’m pretty sure my grandma used to have in her bathroom. After my husband and I took two, yes two! trips to pick it up from a sketchy-ish antique store that was going out of business, I set out to Walmart to buy the few supplies I needed to flip this bookshelf into a piece of art.
I wandered Walmart’s aisles and stared at wood stain options for so long that my sandals started rubbing blisters into my feet. I settled on a stain color, checked out, and went to my vehicle.
The drive from Walmart to my home is maybe four minutes. I didn’t turn on any music or podcasts, just drove with myself and my thoughts. And can I tell you where my thoughts wandered?
War.
It was so out of the ordinary that I shocked myself by thinking of it. There was nothing logical that initiated this thought, but suddenly I found myself two minutes from home, tearing up because I realized that I don’t actually understand why wars happen. Why is death the solution?
I know that war is nothing new, but it also isn’t anything to be taken lightly. I won’t claim to be an economist, historian, or near expert on the topic at all. I did a quick search on why war exists and the answers left me less than satisfied. It seems like there’s a pretty large group of people who think war is simply a necessary part of the human existence and an equally large group of people who imagine a realistic and successful warless humanity.
As for me? I don’t know enough to know that yet.
I believe fiercely in the power of I don’t know yet.
There is simply too much information for us to be experts on all of it, all of the time. And in a world where everyone is able to immediately post their opinions about any given event immediately after it occurs (I’m looking at you, Olympics), the feeling of needing to take a stand is common.
Now, I’ll admit, there have been far too many times in my own life where I have not taken a stand when I should’ve. There have been occasions on which I wish I would’ve spoken up for what I believed in rather than let the moment pass. Grounded in justice and love, picking a side isn’t wrong.
But I believe that our culture demands that we choose sides. Our culture pits us against each other again and again. And once you’ve spoken up? The vulnerability it takes to announce any change in ideology is tough to muster up.
In politics and education and marriage and friendship and theology and sexuality and, and, and… our world demands: Make up your mind. Stand your ground.
I’m here to offer a different way of living.
Dream with me, here. What if instead of showing up to conversations and relationships already cemented in our own ideas, we loosened our grip and asked more questions? What if we took the time to wonder about another perspective? What if we kicked off the expectation of having an answer already and allowed ourselves to wander through ideas until we found one that fit?
What if we released the need to know?
How would that change how you approached your friends, neighbors, God?
What if instead of immediately having an answer for all things, we meandered through the options a while? What if we considered at length the topics before us and then asked some questions before we settled?
Can I tell you this? It’d be freeing. I know it because I’m practicing it. Instead of hard lines, I’m thinking I wonder why God did/made/said/etc.…
I’m reading books and listening to podcasts and talking with spiritual mentors and friends, but I am not making quick decisions. I am moseying along the unknowns.
Reader, I want this freedom for you. I want you to experience the joys of a faith that doesn’t know all the answers. I want you to have the peace of an abundance of time to wander through fields of ideas. I want you to dive deep into curiosity and discovery, rather than planting yourself in an answer.
I promise you, I promise this thing is worth believing in even if you don’t know the answers to it all. There is such beauty and hard-won joy in fighting for a faith you can’t fully explain. There is such peace in the release of the map, in signing your own permission slip to wander through a life with Jesus.
I want this for you so badly that I’m giving you a permission slip to sign right now, once and for all. Permission for you to wonder and wonder through a life of faith.
Dear Reader,
It is my heart’s joy to invite you to join on the journey of a slow faith. We will not be making quick judgements or arguing over answers. We will meander through questions and conversations, considering familiar and strange perspectives in detail, setting them down and picking them up again later for renewed clarity. We will walk at a slow pace. We will pray through decisions and over people who agree and disagree with us. We will trust that the world does not need our immediate opinion, and we will allow our ideas to develop in time. We will embrace the gray space, in-betweens, and not-fully-formed perspectives. We will have every opportunity to say I’ve changed my mind on this as many times as needed. We will grow at a slow and steady pace. We will ask questions more than make statements. We will let news steep before we respond. We will wonder and wander through a life of faith.
Please sign this permission slip as a notification to your soul.
I, ________________________, grant myself permission to wonder and wander through a life of faith.
Signed _______________________ on this date __________________________.